Nandeyanen? (Why [did I write this]?)
by Iori Branford
Summary: Don't even ask. It was lurking on my HD so I thought I'd show it to you...


_BOOM! BLAM!_

What manner of maiden are you that can summon up fire without flint or tinder?

_I…am an enchantress._

By what name are you known?

_There're some 'o call me…Tina?_

Greetings, enchantress Tina.

_Greetings, King Edgar!_

You know my name?

_I do! BLAM You seek the 'oly Grail!_

That IS our quest. You know much that is hidden, O Tina.

_Quite. BOOM!_

Yes, we're after the Grail. Our quest is to find the Holy Grail.

………

And so, we-we're looking for it.

**Yes, we have been for quite some time – ages!**

………

So, uh, anything you could do to help would be…very…helpful.

**Look, could you tell us where—**

_BOOM_

**Aaah!**

Fine. Um, I don't want to waste anymore of your time, so could you please tell us where we might find a um, a, um—

_A what?_

A G-g-g-g-g-g—

_A GRAIL???_

Um, yeh—

_BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BLAM! YES!_

Oh. Thank you. Thank—

_Yes, I can 'elp you find the 'oly Grail. To the north there lies a cave – the Cave of Caerbannog – wherein, carved in mystic runes upon the very living rock, the last words of Tsubame Tsukishiro of Tsuranuani BOOM! make plain the last resting place of the most 'oly Grail!_

Where do we find this cave, O Tina?

_Follow. BUT! Follow only if ye be men of valor, for the entrance to this cave is guarded by a creature so foul, so cruel, that no man 'as yet faced it and lived! Bones of full 50 men lie strewn about its lair, so, brave Knights, if you do DOUBT your courage or your strength, come no further, for death awaits you all, with nasty, big, pointy teeth!!!_

…What an eccentric performance.

**They're nervous, Sire.**

You're right; let's leave them here and carry on on foot. DisMOUNT!

_'ere we are…the Cave of Caerbannog._

Okay. Keep me covered.

**With what?**

Just keep me covered!

_Too late!_

What?

_It's here!_

Where?

_There!_

Behind the rabbit?

_It IS the rabbit!_

………YOU SILLY SOD!

_WHAT?!_

You got us all worked up!

_Well that's no ordinary rabbit!_

**You A-cup tit! I crapped my armor I was so scared!**

_I'm telling you, that little bugger's got a killing streak a mile wide! It's a killer!_

**_Oh, get stuffed._**

_'e'll do YOU up a treat, mate!_

**You mangy Scots bitch! **

_I'm WARNING you!_

**_What's he do, nibble your bum?_**

_'e's got 'uge, sharp—'e can leap about—look at the bones!_

Go on, Locke. Chop his head off.

**Right! Silly little bleeder! One rabbit stew coming right up!**

_Look!_

**AaaaH! XP**

Jesus Christ!

_I warned you…_

**I done it again…**

_I WARNED you, but did you listen to me? Oh, NO, you knew it all, did you? Just a 'armless little BUNNY, is it?! Well, it's always the same; I always tell them—_

OH, SHUT UP!

_--but do they ever listen? Oh, no…_

Right! CHARGE!

bam biff pow

Aaah! AAAAAAAH!

RUN AWAY!

**_RUN AWAY!!!!!_**

Damn. How many did we lose?

**_Relm, Gogo…_**

…and Locke. That's 5.

**Three, sir.**

Whatever. Let's not risk another frontal assault; that rabbit's dynamite.

**Hmmm. Could we confuse it by running away more?**

Oh, shut up and go change your armor.

**_We could taunt it until it becomes cross enough to make a mistake._**

Like what?

**_Uh. I donno._**

**Have we got bows?**

No.

**_What about the Holy Hand Grenade?_**

Of course! The Holy Hand Grenade of Hokkaido! 'Tis one of the sacred relics Brother Strago Carries with him. Brother Strago, bring out the Holy Hand Grenade.

II EE JESUS DOMINAE…DONA NOBIS REQUIEM. II EE JESUS DOMINAE…DONA NOBIS REQUIEM. II EE JESUS DOMINAE…DONA NOBIS REQUIEM.

Well, let's see it….Hmm, how's it work?

**Uh, I know not, my Liege.**

Consult the Book of Armaments.

Armaments 2:9-2:21.

"And St. Banon raised the Holy Hand Grenade up on high and said, 'O Great One, bless this, Thy Holy Hand Grenade, that with it Thy Chosen mayest blow our enemies to tiny bits, in Thy mercy.' And the Almighty One did grin, and His people did feast upon the lambs and sloths and carp and anchovies and orangutans and breakfast cereals and fruit bats—

Skip to the important bit.

"And the Almighty One spake: 'First shalt thou take out the holy Pin. Then thou shalt count to 3, no more, no less. 3 is the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be 3. 4 shalt thou not count, nor either count thou 2, excepting that thou then proceed to 3. 5 is right out! Once the number 3, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou the Holy Hand Grenade towards thy foe, who, being naughty in My sight, shall snuff it.'"

Amen.

**Amen.**

Right! 1, 2, 5!

**3, sir!**

3!

Whoosh…BOOM!!!!


End file.
